A few years back, I really decided to take care of myself. I needed to be renewed spiritually, physically, and emotionally so I made it happen. I had taken care of everyone else for so long, completely drained and never had a moment to myself. I sat outside late one night, alone, talking to God. I poured my feelings out without restraint. I thought about the last time I had done something for myself, something just for me. From morning to-night, taking care of kids, husband, family, house, school, cooking, cleaning, and everything else that makes the world go round. I felt guilty if I sat down. I never rested when I felt I needed to. When I felt weak, I pushed harder.

It was only when a doctor sat me down basically knee to knee, and told me the stress would literally kill me if I continued neglecting myself and my health, that I began to have a breakthrough. When I left that appointment, I went home, told my family what the doctor had said, and literally locked myself in my room for a month straight. I barely let anyone in, my food was brought to me and I didn’t take any calls. I made time for my nightly candle-lit bubble bath, read sometimes for hours before bed not only because I always did and was forced to stop but because it made me feel so good. I painted, I wrote, I spent time with myself to get to know myself again. I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted, which direction to go in. I sat sometimes in silence. I listened to music, barely watched television, and found myself a little more each day. I lit candles and incense, I prayed incessantly. It was all intense therapy.

When I finally came out, I felt like a new person. I made decisions, I forgave myself, I gave myself credit, for once and only once it was about me. I understood that if I was falling apart, I couldn’t keep everything together. I never had another drop of alcohol, ( although I only drank socially for special occasions), I never put myself in an unsafe situation again, I cleaned the clutter out of my life. I reevaluated everything I thought I ever knew. I set boundaries, I thought about the future, I wished and dreamed.

I didn’t want to scream anymore, I barely wanted to speak. Any meanness that was in my heart just went away, it felt like my heart was replaced with a whole new one. I forgave, I asked for forgiveness. My eyes that were closed suddenly opened. Everything was different. I started making deliberate decisions, instead of careless mistakes. I felt the warmth of God’s love wrap around me completely. I made promises to myself, I set goals, I made lists, I forced myself to get down as deep as I could go.

I came out of that room different from I went in.

I went in broken and came out better. My heart had softened, my spirit was lighter, and I felt like a person for the first time in a long while. I felt the heaviness lift from my shoulders as I placed my fears and worries at the Lord’s feet.

All the years of trouble and confusion were no more. I was finally looking at the world in a new light. All the time I wasted trying to ‘figure it all out’ when all I needed to do was ‘cast my care.’

It was so amazing what a grip anxiety had over me. When I got home from that doctor’s appointment, the first thing I did was pray. That doctor changed me so dramatically by helping me with the breakthrough I so desperately needed. I never got to tell him ‘thank you’ for changing my life with just that one visit. It’s incredible how he reached me, how he got me to see what I couldn’t, he reminded me that I was worthy of love and care. He knew I was ailing, he could see in my eyes that I was broken and empty. We talked and I got things out that I never wanted to hear out loud, but because I did, I was able to let them go. I left his office feeling like I left the ton of bricks I was carrying behind.

I got home, got in bed, laid on my right side, and began to pray. I asked for strength, I asked for the help I desperately needed. By miracle, it was that very day that  God made my anxiety manageable. I’ll always have it, but now death doesn’t feel imminent. Even when I wanted to ‘flip out’ I wasn’t able to. I no longer had that shouting voice, those evil thoughts, I officially stepped out of the ring.  I felt immeasurable relief.

Since then, I have always reflected on that month that I ‘locked myself away.’ I’m so glad I was able to take advice and really apply it. I’m the best ‘me’ I’ve ever been and I’m so grateful to that wonderful doctor, who took the time to read my file and who helped me reach a place I just couldn’t find. I stopped hating and blaming myself. I laughed and smiled, and for the first time, I didn’t feel guilty about doing it.

It takes so much courage and restraint to face this thing head on. I’m stronger than I ever thought. I’m more gentle than I ever thought. Despite this gut-wrenching heartache, I am filled with so much love and hope. Compassion comes so naturally to me, but that day, compassion came my way.

Thank you Dr. A, you helped save me ….

I hardly have any pictures of my niece and I together, so this picture is very rare.

I’m always the one behind the lens trying to capture the moment.

This is the day I remember as us giving a million kisses, almost like I would never kiss her again. She was so comfortable with us, we kissed our baby on the lips, on her cheeks, her little hands. Every visit I tried to drink her in, I tried to memorize every detail. I remember the way he felt in my arms, I remember the way she looked at me, like she should know me, but didn’t. Because she couldn’t.

This photo means the world to me, it’s something I cherish. I wish I could have this moment forever.

Heart’s been broken, the truth still unspoken.

I wish it away, why can’t she stay?

Memories lost, they didn’t care what it cost.

Want so bad to shout, want all this pain out.

We need justice and peace, we’ll never give up on my niece.

Heart broken and body drained; spirit gone, only grief remains.

This can’t be true, they’ve taken our baby, what do we do?

Emptiness I can’t get passed, anxious to love her my heart beats so fast.

Will this ever be right, ever an end to this fight?

I pray and stay strong, can’t justify this wrong. 

I love her so deep, I miss her and weep.

Let her see through the lies she’s told, she belongs to us to have and to hold ….

It doesn’t make any sense that the name the adoptive couple gave my niece a completely Italian name.

Our baby has absolutely no Italian heritage. Nothing against Italians, it’s just that she isn’t Italian.

Their family is Italian, so in my opinion, it’s just another way of trying to make a child believe they’re something they’re not, trying to change who they are and make them into what you want them to be.

It’s a way of trying to make a child theirs, that will never truly be theirs, no matter what.

I think it is borderline cruel to name a little Puerto-Rican girl the most Italian name you can get.  

I can’t wrap my brain around it, much like everything else about this adoption.

So last night obviously my broken heart jumped off the page, but tonight I went outside and looked at the dark night sky I love so much. I breathed and felt God’s love pour down over me. I loved the gorgeous moon, and I must have wished on every star in the sky. My face looking up, the tears ran completely down my face.

I’ve described this monster like being on a roller-coaster because it is up and down at any given moment.

Now that I have taken an ordered rest, following an accident, surgery, and now waiting on the second surgery, I’m supposed to be taking it easy, of course I can’t. All I can think of is knocking out the rest of the key points that need to be written before the final edit before print. I want desperately to put this first half of the book to rest. I want my people to know what happened to us, and to give them a warning of what can happen if you let your guard down for even a moment. Specifically written for my niece and family, and to let everyone involved know the impact this made on us. Our lives imploded.

I imagine once the book is on the shelf next to my bed, I will be able to sleep just a little more comfortably. I will close my eyes and almost sigh with relief. Writing about this has literally taken thousands of hours. Hours away from my kids, students, friends, and lovers. Make no mistake, it is all worth it to me. I’ve made so many sacrifices and the greater the sacrifice, the greater the reward.

I trust in God to make it right, I trust my niece will come home to us. I believe one day I’ll turn back into that love bug I once was, only better. I’ll be stronger and wiser. I’m cutting myself slack for the way I’m handling all this. Don’t mind me, I’m just a girl who had her heart ripped out. I’m absolutely allowed to grieve and mourn, kick and scream.

Each day as I look into my babies’ faces, it melts some of the ice that my heart is encased in. I’m just so angry that something so devastating happened to us, and sometimes I daydream of what life would have been like had it not. We’ve all missed out on so many wonderful things. This turned us all into cynics, and none of us ever looked at things the same again. We’re always suspicious, guarded, I don’t trust people as far as I could bowl them. I hate what this did to all of us, and how it changed us and made us take our rose-colored glasses off. It was like one day I believed in everything and felt as though I could fly, the next my wings were snipped off and the more I knew, the less I wanted to know and the less I understood. 

We were betrayed, used, made to look crazy, then tossed away like trash. Is it any wonder I harbor so many ill feelings? Can you even imagine yourself in the kind of situation we were put in? I’ve never even hear of a story like this.

‘ Neighbor and court clerk sells baby. ‘

Just imagine for a moment how that would tear you apart. People always say ‘ oh  if that happened to my family I’d go kill them. ‘ But you can’t. Your hands are completely tied, there’s nothing you can do, and court personnel decide the fate of your entire future without knowing you at all, and never having to deal with you again. I never knew what kind of ‘ justice system ‘ we had until this happened. I despise the courts and their procedures so much that I want to stay a million miles away from them. I’m not sure if there’s anything worse than dealing with the system, it’s enormously stressful and all-consuming. Is it any wonder I try to wish this all away? Is it any wonder that my feelings about this go back and forth and up and down?

So I’m not just some hateful, spiteful person. Tragedies change people, and they have to fight their way back to a be just a fraction of what they once were. Their lives become divided into two timelines, before the nightmare, after the nightmare.

If I didn’t have so much love and feel so much love, I don’t think I even would have survived this. The hate for the adoption aside, I love hard and deep regarding everything else.

Love really is stronger than hate.

I hardly ever write during the day, but I found a few moments to sneak away and get some things off my mind.

> How did the Elliot County Courthouse ever get away with this?

> Why was this woman setting up an adoption of all things while on the clock at her ticket and  scheduling window?

> Was it not Elliot County’s responsibility to protect my sister and her baby by not allowing one of their employees to do such a thing to them?

> Why have they not been held accountable for what they did to our family?

> Why have they pushed our very serious allegations aside as if this is something that should not have been fully investigated?

> Why is this woman still working there, typing our names in and able to keep tabs on all of us?

> What else has she done from that ticket window?

> Why did we find out that Judge Gavin resigned for years of misconduct years after we brought our case to his attention? Obviously he cared nothing about the morality and legality of our situation.

> Why does Elliot County just ‘ not get to answer ‘ our questions and prove to us that this adoption was legally done on their premises by a woman licensed to do so? Are they aware of the ‘ goodies ‘ this woman got from the adoptive couple as a result of this adoption?

> Whose desk are our police reports just sitting on? Are they not required to investigate and respond to our reports?

> Do they know Judge Campbell told me ‘ this entire building has been infested by what she’s done ‘ . He had to make it known that Lupita had involved him prior to the case coming to him so the opposing attorney had the right to have him recuse himself from the case, immediately after, he stated that he ‘ was going to do what was in the best interest of the child ‘ . No sooner than the words left his lips, the opposing attorney requested a new judge. I guess he knew that ‘ best interest of the child ‘ meant staying with her natural family, that all showed up and took up a row of seats.

> Why can no one do anything about it? Every office I’ve dealt with has told me that Elliot County would have to do an investigation because it’s their jurisdiction. Do they understand that Elliot County doesn’t want to explain how such an adoption took place, why adoption forms were being faxed to and from her office, why phone calls were made to and from her office, why the pregnant teen was her former neighbor and living at her house, why she was meeting with the adoptive couple, why she made all meetings and appointments in the 28 days this adoption took place in, why the couple flew her to the baby shower as the ‘ guest of honor ‘ , why the couple gave her an engraved Tiffany & Co. bracelet that read ‘ to auntie Lupita .’   Why my sister’s hospital bills remain unpaid, her wages garnished, her daughter gone, thanks to Lupita’s ‘ help .’

> Do they know the agency that handled the adoption lost their license to practice less than a year after we brought our allegations to them, for reasons they will not disclose?

> Is ‘ Adoption for Profit ‘ in the employee handbook?

> Why are our allegations not ‘ serious ‘ enough to be fully investigated?

> Why?

> Why?

> Why?

She had my heart the moment I saw her.

If it weren’t for this, life would be good.

Beautiful kids, lovely home, garden, nice car, many people who love me and multiple proposals, two great simultaneous careers: teaching preschool and event planning.

Writing a book that is nearly ready for print. I vacation several times a year, recently escaped to the Eastern Caribbean, another getaway to Hawaii soon.

I have a niece and nephew that no one can take from me. I’m creative, smart, one-of-a-kind Pisces girl, throwing a baptism for 6 in a few months, and much to my excitement, all the boxing! I’m a huge fan and I feel so spoiled with the recent fights of Pacquiao, Cotto, and upcoming Canelo fight. I’m the world’s greatest hostess for the fights, UFC, and Superbowl. Tons of food ( and I cook the best) a huge television with a Bose sound system, fire pit with chairs in the backyard, pool table, Dominoes, darts, and loud music in the garage. As long as I can remember, people have always come to my house for celebrations and kick-backs because no one does it better. 

It has taken me so long to fight back, to want to be alive, to want to smile. I keep thinking back to my life before all this happened. It was normal, whatever that means.

Then one day, the carpet got yanked out from underneath us and nothing would ever be the same again. It changed absolutely everything. After that point, I felt like everywhere I went, I needed security. I know it sounds odd, but it just means that anything can happen at any given time. If only I could have security for everyday life, to protect me from all the bad things in the world, all the awful things people do to each other without a second thought.

So life went from things like toasting ‘ to love’ and being VIP everywhere I went (which is everywhere) to breaking everything I could get my hands on in the house. Many dishes and decorations were casualties of this bizarre circumstance. A lot of screaming and crying, weeping, begging, praying.

It’s been so up and down, and it made a lot of people lose a lot of things. Marriages, miscarriages, great jobs, friends, homes, smiles, happiness, senses of well-being. I have always lived by ‘ Trust None ‘ and though I’m bouncing back, it unfortunately remains true.

Slowly the cynical is being chipped away. Other than God, I really leaned on myself to get through this. I didn’t want to burden friends, I had a partner who was clueless and careless, I didn’t want to further break the hearts of those I loved so I couldn’t speak of it. After all this time, I’m finally realizing I am strong, and I have made it this far. I haven’t given up for one single moment. Each day I thank God and when I finally lie down, I think ‘ one day closer . ‘

One day, life will again be sweet. No distractions of anything adoption. I won’t have to say the ‘ A ‘ word, I won’t have to carry it on my shoulders, and it won’t give me any more nightmares. I just want to be free of this. I want myself back, I just want everything to be okay again.