The incredible energy of an auntie’s love ….

Unbreakable, unstoppable, everlasting, ever-so-magical ….

I just want to hold her.

All day today I have had to stop myself from crying.

Only now can I cry …. alone …. in the dark.

I quickly escape to break down, release, and regroup.

I choose to do all my hurting all by myself.

I don’t want anyone to see how bad I really feel, weeping from sorrow and despair.

I feel like I’m suffocating from a broken heart.

I wipe my eyes literally until they’re sore. I cry until my eyes are swollen. I clean myself up, breathe in and out, smile, and rejoin the rotation of the world.

You would never know by looking at me that I’m dying inside. Other than this, I am whole, beyond blessed, wonderfully loved, and completely adored.

But with this, God is our only hope.

No one can comfort us, no one can make it better, no one can fill the emptiness, nothing can take the ache away, nothing can take the anger, nothing can fix this ….. Nothing but God, nothing but our baby girl. But it’s all just for now.

One day this will all be over.

One day it won’t hurt any more.

I want this to be done.

I want to wake up in the morning and have it all be a bad nightmare.

It hurts, so badly that there isn’t a word to describe it.

Take it away, make it stop, the quiet is so loud, the loud is deafening.

And those are the only words I can get out today ….

My Dearest Baby Gracie ….

Something very special remains here just for you ….

You have a mommy waiting and a family waiting too ….

Our eyes are just alike, our blood runs through your veins ….

It’s no wonder that your absence is the source of all our pain ….

There’s a moment that you realize, you need to be with whom that you belong ….

Hearts are bound by love, and your heart will never lead you wrong.

Just a quickie little love note to tell you that we’re here ….

Those that seem the farthest are really the ones most near ….

Love For Always ….

~ Auntie ❤

I began this piece of writing on January 6th of this year, 2016.

Immediately following dinner on the 18th floor and the firework finale at midnight on New Year’s Eve, my mind instantly switched gears back to a part of me that is missing.

I was thinking about what a big year this is.

She’s finally 12.

Have twelve years really gone by?

Twelve years.

Twelve long years.

It feels like I have heard the clock ticking in the back of my mind. Each second going by …. tick …. tick …. tick ….

Can you imagine how maddening that is?

A richly fulfilled life with an over abundance of love, laughs, and satisfaction; the only darkness in the space of my being is the sadness that swallows me up at the thought of my niece’s absence and my family that is lost without her.

Hurting every day, trying to make the most of each day as we wait for a miracle.

This is the constant eclipse that covers the brilliance of the sun.

I stay busy. I try not to have a moment free because then that means I have time to think.

Time to hurt, time to cry.

Thank goodness my many talents keep me in demand, and people practically have to take a number to spend time with me.

Being lost in thought, time turns upside down.

An hour can feel like a minute, and a day can feel like a week.

One moment you see the flowers in bloom, the next you look up and you realize the leaves are rich with brilliant colors and the seasons have changed several times over.

This year my niece turns twelve and it has been both dreamed of and dreaded since that joke of a family court experience way back when.

This year she will learn the truth of her adoption and the circumstances under which it came about. 

This year she will learn that she has been lied to by the people who have happily deceived her and called themselves her ” parents.”

This year the charade is going to be over.

This year, “mom” and “dad” are going to have a lot of explaining to do.

This year, there will be light shed upon the darkness….

I’LL LOVE YOU FOREVER,   I’LL LIKE YOU FOR ALWAYS,  

AS LONG AS I’M LIVING,   MY BABY YOU’LL BE ….

❤  ❤  ❤  ❤  ❤  ❤  ❤  ❤  ❤  ❤  ❤  ❤  ❤  ❤ 

I have gotten lost in the mix of all this hurt and I have had to slowly rediscover myself along the way.

Someone recently wrote this to me, and it took my breath away.

I felt so special, lovely, beautiful, wonderful, happy, excited, and so very blessed.

For just a brief moment, everything was okay ……..

How strong and unbreakable love, and like, really are ….. ❤

Just a few hours ago, I came out of surgery. I had a tonsillectomy and I was scared beyond belief.

The idea of having my throat operated on was frightening to me. I’m so glad it’s over.

It was a very long day, but I still wanted to take a moment to send all of my love to my beloved

niece.

I just wanted to tell my baby girl that I need her so much. I want simple and lovely

memories with her. She is still my everything ….I hate being without her and needed to let her

know that one day soon, she will receive the book I wrote for her, as well as the supporting

documents and she will realize that she was still with me and all of us through all this time. My

family are all so eager to have her home, and I’m not afraid to say that. I won’t feel ashamed,

guilty, or scared to tell her how much she means to us. I adore her, we all adore her.

We want her so badly that we hang on to the dream of a miracle that will bring her back into our awaiting arms ….

I love her, I love her …. Forever and Forever ….

I can’t remember me before there was you ….

I never understood what mattered, really and true.

A baby girl taken and with her my heart floated away.

Pleasure and paradise, then didn’t know night from day.

Real life heartache took the sparkle from my eyes, to my knees I instantly fell.

In the night, emotion makes my body shake, I wrap around him so the world won’t spin.

He knows I need to hold more than to be held,  he entwines our fingers over his heartbeat.

Eyes fighting back tears …. I wish it away …. I wish it was over ….

Right now …. this very moment …. this very day.

Tears flow down my face …. I get choked up, can’t breath, and sigh.

The time drawing near, their dark secrets soon to be drenched in the light.

Will rest ever find me, ever again, ever at all?…

I keep hoping …. never stop dreaming ….

I await her embrace …. no such thing as too late ….

In my life, my family is my meaning …..

Today, I smiled to myself, probably blushing as I recalled a love so deep that it made all of my senses light up at once.

This rush of emotion was exactly that …. a rush.

It reminded me that no matter what breaks your heart or causes anguish, the rush of love can make that blur into oblivion and fade away.

It also got me thinking about what it means to miss someone.

Curiosity got the best of me, and I found myself looking up the actual definition of the word Miss in the dictionary. To make a long story short, under the word Miss, this is what I found ….

Miss – absence, loss, an act or fact of missing in being without, to perceive with regret the absence or loss of ….

All of that seems pretty accurate, but in my opinion, there should be a whole separate dictionary for matters of the heart. When the heart is involved, the meaning of words change, the perception of words change. The heart will overpower doubt, reason, uncertainty, and fear of the unknown. Its like the heart has its very on language, its own signs and symbols, traditions, and superstitions.

I rolled the dictionary definitions around in my mind and I thought something really important was left out of the mix. I thought, to me, to miss, means ” to long for .” Simple, but one of the most meaningful of all the ways to describe the word Miss. When you miss someone or some thing, you long for it. Your heart and your mind both feel the absence.

The way I miss my niece certainly fits the ” textbook ” definition of the word. But according to my heart’s dictionary, it describes a longing …. a  ‘ close-your-eyes, freeze-time, cashing-in-all-your-wishes, love you, need you, longing ‘….

With every beat of my heart, I definitely miss her …. without question, I long for her …. deeply and truly ….

–

At the end of the day, I’m just an auntie who misses her niece ever so much ….