My Niece Nevaeh,

It’s been hard for me to love, trust, talk to people, go outside.

Since your absence, it’s been hard to do anything that I did so effortlessly before.

Faith renewed, spirit refreshed, after much prayer and trying to look up instead of down.

You are still our baby girl, we all talk about you, wish for you, and cry for you. Every single day.

Not a moment passes that you’re not with us.

One day you will be home, with your mom, cousins, all of the people who are so incomplete without you.

A dream we all share, is to take you out for ice-cream….something so simple, yet so far out of our reach.

I have the box of crayons that we colored with at our last visit.

I have them in my jewelry box, and I take them out and touch them, just to feel where your precious tiny fingers once were.

As I write this to you, I have tears falling down my face, my heart hurts, and I know I have at least 9 more years of this.

But looking at it in a different way, we’re halfway there…. You will be in your rightful home with your rightful family, you will see that you look just like your mommy Samantha, you will know how hard and long we tried.

You will see how terribly wrong your adoption was, and what your “parents” and everyone involved did. You will be able to go through documents, read papers, see pictures.

You are my niece, and I will keep you with me always.

Giving up is not an option, when something is wrong, it must be made right.

I love you Nevaeh, infinitely, and eternally….

Love, Auntie Elizabeth

“Adoption is a violent act, a political act of aggression towards a woman who has supposedly offended the sexual mores by committing the unforgivable act of not suppressing her sexuality, and therefore not keeping it for trading purposes through traditional marriage. The crime is a grave one, for she threatens the very fabric of our society. The penalty is severe. She is stripped of her child by a variety of subtle and not so subtle manoeuvres and then brutally abandoned.”      ~ Joss Shawyer, Death by Adoption, Cicada Press (1979)

” Adoption is and has always been deeply imbued in classism, as it is adoption’s intent and most often outcome to move a child from lower to higher-class status. This is truer today than ever, as adoption has become a business of finding children for clients.”     ~ Mirah Riben

“Contrary to popular belief, mothers don’t go on in this world after “giving up” a child, enjoying their lives and forgetting the child ever existed.  Even though people would love to think this is true, it’s not the reality of the situation for most of us. Our lives are colored by the traumatic event and we are never the same afterwards. Most of us grieve for years ….”      ~ Jaymie Frederick, professional searcher and licensed PI

” Adoption is the severing of a family, there is no greater pain than the emptiness and knowing that a part of you is out there and you can’t have her….you’re in a constant state of wonder, sadness, anger, love, all in a whirlwind. It unravels you, it is all-consuming. My life’s timeline is separated in two parts: before I lost my niece, and after I lost my niece. Broken, I will long for her eternally….”     ~ Elizabeth, Aunt of Nevaeh

“THE WICKED SNATCH FATHERLESS CHILDREN FROM THEIR MOTHER’S BREASTS, AND TAKE A POOR MAN’S BABY AS A PLEDGE BEFORE THEY WILL LOAN HIM ANY MONEY OR GRAIN”

~JOB 24:9

By the time I am able to get to sleep I have spent many hours tossing and turning.

It is the love for my sister and niece that has driven me, the desperate need to give my sister and her daughter a voice.

It’s my responsibility to stand up for what I believe and those I love.

I refuse to let this injustice go unnoticed and I will not rest until our entire story is told.

I hurt.

My family hurts.

I know that my sister has been thankful to me for everything I’ve done in helping her tell her/our story over many, many years.

But a few nights ago, I was moved to tears by a few very sweet words.

She said, “thank you for telling my story because I just can’t find the words….”

She has shared every detail with me, told and retold the story exactly the same each time and I know it so well I have it all memorized. I know how her heart is so broken, I know how fragile her spirit is, I know how much she grieves.

My baby sister, hurting so much, will finally be heard …..

It’s 4:50 am.

I just wrapped up almost 14 hours of putting together paperwork, printing, and putting some of my writings together, writing that has been continuous for 8 years.

A moment before this writing, I knelt humbly on my knees to pray.

I thanked God for my many blessings, things I forget to thank Him for, simply because I’m so often crying out in pain during prayer.

I thanked my Heavenly Father for giving me the gift of writing since I was a very small child, for the strength He has given me to endure such a traumatizing situation.

I thanked Him for the patience He has given me through this dreadfully long 9 years, each day is a struggle. The time that goes by does nothing to diminish the pain.

I told Him I am completely broken, and only He can heal my broken heart, and very slowly, He is.

I told Him I trusted Him, that in His timing, He will make the wrong, right.

God has given me the passion to diligently write, to never give up.

He has carried me through each day, comforted me at night.

Though this has been the most devastating of all nightmares, I can honestly say I have never been as close to my Heavenly Father. I seek Him every day, I pray in the garden, in the kitchen, in the car, in my dreams.

Glory  to God, for His mercy, His  love.

Through God, Everything Is Possible….

~ Good night my baby Nevaeh, Auntie Elizabeth loves you and misses you….I am empty without you…..

All these years I have wanted to ask Lupita these questions, and since she has never been questioned or held accountable, I will ask them here.

I myself, nor anyone I have spoken to about our case, nor the lawyers or judges involved, had ever heard of such allegations regarding the facilitation of an adoption.

I believe they were all out of their depth, the case was “too big” and I believe in my heart that this adoption was the definition of unjust.

Since Lupita had the honors of being facilitator and profiteer of this adoption, I feel that it is only appropriate to point out her involvement. These are some of the questions that burn in my mind that I as well as my family want answers to….

1. Did Samantha call you at any time?

2. Whenever you spoke on the phone, if you called her, where did you call her from?

3. Who called to make Samantha’s appointments?

4. Who drove Samantha to her appointments?

5. Did you make Samantha stay for an ultrasound she wanted to leave from?

6. Who signed Samantha in at her appointments?

7. At any point did you map out Samantha’s life or goals on a piece of paper?

8. What were the circumstances in which Samantha moved in with you?

9. Did you contact Judge Campbell prior to speaking to Samantha after you learned of her pregnancy?

10. How did you find out Samantha was pregnant?

11. How did you identify yourself to Samantha’s nurse at the hospital when she was in labor?

12. Are you in possession of the hospital birth announcement card, lock of hair from the baby, or any other personal items of Samantha or her baby?

13. Is it true you called Samantha approximately 34 times in 24 days?

14. At any point did you use your place of business to make phone calls, send or receive faxes, or use the county computer for any part of this adoption?

15. Were you aware that the intended adoptive couple originally had their own attorney to handle this adoption?

16. At that time did you suggest a lawyer that was a friend of yours, Molly Winter?

17. When Samantha and her parents came to your house to ask for the adoption paperwork, why did you not give Samantha the legal paperwork and hospital keepsakes that rightfully belonged to her?

18. How did you come to possess the paperwork and documents that Samantha signed?

19. Did Samantha receive any mail at your house?

20. What did you do with the mail?

21. Did you receive any jewelry, plane tickets, or anything of value from the adoptive couple?

22. Who paid for the dinner that took place between yourself, your husband, Samantha, and the adoptive couple?

23. Did you and your husband stay and have dinner with adoptive couple after Samantha had left the restaurant?

24. Did you tell Samantha that she couldn’t change her mind after the baby’s first breath?

25. Why did you not call Samantha’s father from the hospital when she was requesting him?

26. Did you ever call Samantha after all the paperwork had been completed and her baby was gone?

27. Why did Samantha leave your house after the birth of her daughter?

28. Did you receive any money from the adoptive couple for Samantha or otherwise while she was in your care?

29. Why did you tell Samantha’s parents they owed you $4,000?

30. When Samantha called you when her parents found out, did you say that if they wanted to fight you’d bring out the “big guns?”

31. Can you explain what the “big guns” are?

32. Why did you take Samantha to the Medi-caid office if you knew the adoptive couple would be responsible for expenses and were also aware that Samantha had medical insurance under her parent’s coverage?

33. Why did you have Samantha use her parent’s medical insurance for the initial visit at the doctor’s office?

34. Did you tell Samantha that she had to be “nice” to the baby’s father to get him to sign the paperwork?

35. Did you ever tell Samantha that she should move out of the area because it was for families?

36. Did you tell Samantha that she had to stay away from her father for a couple of weeks after the baby was born?

37. Who approached who when you found out Samantha was pregnant?

38. At any point, did you ever fill out any paperwork? If so, what kind?

39. What is your relationship with Molly Winter?

40. Why did you feel the need to be present when Samantha had appointments or meetings?

41. Do you have receipts of any kind for the time Samantha was living in your home?

42. How many days was Samantha at your house?

43. How many days was it from the time Samantha came to your house to the time the final paperwork was signed?

44. Who decided that the Carpenters would be the adoptive parents?

45. What is your relationship with the Carpenters?

46. At any point did you tell Samantha that you didn’t want to tell her but that you knew the adoptive couple?

47. How often did you speak to the adoptive couple through this process?

48. How many meetings or visits did you have with the adoptive couple?

49. What was your relationship with Samantha after the Carpenters had her baby?

50. How many meetings or appointments would you say Samantha had?

51. How many were you present at?

52. When Samantha was signing the papers, did you tell her that she could make all future contacts with the Carpenters or her baby through you?

53. You were aware that Samantha’s mother was a nurse at local hospitals, is this why you drove Samantha over an hour away from the nearest hospital when she went into labor?

54. Did you take Samantha for any after care after her baby was gone?

55. Did you have Samantha released from the hospital early?

56. At any point did any of the nurses have to ask anyone to leave the room because Samantha was so upset?

57. Who was there, and who was asked to leave?

58. At any point in the hospital, did you remove Samantha’s newborn daughter out of her arms because you said she (the adoptive mother) had a sad look on her face?  

59. When Samantha went into labor, it was on a week day that you took time off work to take her to have her baby. What did you tell your employer it was, vacation, a sick day?

60. Is it true that you sent your 2 sons over to Judy’s house ( the other neighbor) and proceeded to move her over to your house before she ever agreed?

61. Samantha recalls a telephone conversation where she overheard you saying ” I can’t believe I pulled this off.” Do you recall saying that, and if so, what did you mean?

62. What is your relationship with Samantha’s parents, owners and former across-the-street-neighbors of yours for over 14 years at the time?

63. Since you and your husband borrowed money from Samantha’s parents for a bulk payment on your home, would you have considered them friends at the time you were setting up this secret adoption?

64. Were you aware that Samantha was depressed at any time?

65. Did you take Samantha for any counseling prior or post the birth of her daughter?

66. Were you in the exam room with Samantha at the doctor’s office?

67. At any time, did you ever have to explain any of the paperwork to Samantha that she was signing?

68. Are you qualified to interpret paperwork for another person?

69. When you were present at the meetings between Samantha, Molly, or Janelle; did they address or speak to you? If so, in what context?

70. Did Samantha ask questions or appear to be involved in any way or appear to be actively listening?

71. After the Carpenters took custody of Samantha’s daughter, did you continue a relationship with them? (Nine years later, does she still)?

72. Were you flown down to the baby shower of Samantha’s daughter by the Carpenters in their hometown?

73. Did you ever tell Samantha that you would keep her baby but her husband let you?

74. How did you receive the two Tiffany & Co. bracelets the Carpenters gave you, one of which was engraved to “Auntie Lupita?”

75. Did Samantha accept hers and where are the bracelets now?

76. When you told Samantha about the bracelets, did you use the words, “bling bling, ooh la la, we got Tiffany bracelets”?

76.  Being prohibited from giving legal advice as a clerk of the court, did you give Samantha any kind of legal advice?

77. When Samantha was asked if she needed an attorney, did you advise her that she didn’t?

78. You stated that you felt maternal toward Samantha, were you aware that she was living in her car for a week after this fast-tracked 28 day adoption?

79. You stated that Samantha was 18 and this was her decision. Then why did YOU handle nearly every detail of this adoption?

80. You stated that you were there for “moral support.” THEN WHY DID YOU RECEIVE ANYTHING AS A RESULT OF THE ADOPTION OF SAMANTHA’S DAUGHTER ?

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These are just some of the questions. Lupita did something she should hang her down from, instead she holds her self-righteous head up high knowing she destroyed a family. A family she called friends and lived directly across from for many, many years.  

But the biggest question I have for Lupita is…. WHAT GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO STEP INTO OUR FAMILY AND DECIDE WHO WENT AND WHO STAYED?….

I could be shopping, taking a drive, cooking dinner.

I will suddenly see in my mind’s eye my niece’s face, I will see the park where I had to leave her after a 3 hour visit, I see Letty’s pudgy face and glasses and I hear the hurtful things she said to me and to my family after we found out about her dirty deeds.We were completely unaware that she was the snake in the grass.

I see my sister cradled in my mother’s lap weeping, I see the piles of paperwork I have to pour over, I have nightmares of all the bits and pieces.

The flashbacks are awful, and really anything can trigger the memory.

Not just the holidays hurt. I don’t just miss Grace and need her on special occasions.

I hardly celebrate any holidays anymore. I feel so incomplete and it’s a struggle to be festive and happy when all you want to do is just crawl under the covers and disappear into a dark room. There is someone very important missing…. a little girl who should be with her family, our family.

I can’t believe I have been feeling like this for almost 9 years.

I can’t believe how much it is still a struggle to get through each day.

It is worse than experiencing the death of a child. Because when a child enters into rest, sooner or later you must accept it, you must say goodbye and find some sort of absolution. But when your niece is being held just beyond your reach, living amongst strangers, in a place she was not meant to be, it is impossible to accept or move on.

Why was this adoption just thrown together with complete disregard for the mother and child that would be torn apart?….

My darling niece….

I miss you more with each passing day.

I called and started the process of enforcing visitation today. It has been 6 years since I have held you in my arms, held you close to my heart.

Dealing with your absence, the injustice inflicted upon your mom, the absolutely consuming heartache that we all feel day after day, night after night, has shaken me to the core.

After a visit with you, the overwhelming hurt of having to leave you behind with strangers makes me an emotional wreck and makes me physically ill.

Literally the moment I found out about you and what had happened, I fell to my knees and became sick. I cried, I screamed, and I felt my body shake and become weak. It has only gotten worse as the years have gone by. I believe a broken heart does tremendous damage to the spirit, it dims even the brightest of lights….

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Going through the visits, the courts, the meetings with attorneys, paying a monitor to visit with you, having to abide by ridiculous rules by people who have no business in your life in the first place, it all has taken an enormous toll on my health.

Physically I have developed fibromyalgia, post traumatic stress disorder, depression and anxiety. I suffer nightmares. I have days where I am able to look at your pictures, and others it is too painful. I have to keep myself from crying because it’s so hard to stop once I’ve started. I have to choke the pain down, close my eyes, and pray.

It is all because I miss you so much. I feel that what has happened is so wrong that I will never accept it. Paperwork or not, I am your auntie.

I am preparing for it to be difficult to set up our visit, because it always has been. The people who have you have been awful to us, delighted to take you from your family to put you in theirs. They are desperate for you to be their child, but God gave you a mother, and her name is Serena.

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I just had a baby 6 months ago, I just had nasal surgery, also preparing for another nasal surgery at the end of the year. I am having a tough recovery and the fibromyalgia is so difficult to manage.

This adoption and all the ugly contained within it has made the seconds of time tick by. I am constantly restless, and the way I am able to spend time with you is through my writing. I am able to connect words with the feelings in my heart and someday you will read everything I have written to you, for you.

I have always needed you, and being forced to leave you at that park we have to visit at literally gives me nightmares.

I know it will take many months for me to be able to function when our visit is over. I know how the pain and emptiness will make me cry myself to sleep.

But it’s worth it to me. I would travel a million miles over a million years to see you for just one minute. Your are my blood. My life. My Niece.

I’m trying my hardest to get through this pain. I wish it would all just go away. All the hurt. All the anxiety. All the heartbreak I feel about the absence of my niece.

I think the only thing worse than my pain is having to see the people I love the most, hurt so deeply, so often, so much that getting through each day is still a struggle almost 9 years later.

No matter how long it’s been, I still cannot accept that this has happened to us. How can such a devastating thing be true? How could someone we trusted do such a thing to us?

I know that God will bring my niece home, that she will long for us as much as we long for her.

No amount of paperwork changes the fact that my niece is our blood, the stories of our family are the stories of her life.  The people we’re related to, she’s related to. We look alike, we sound alike. Every child wants to know where they come from, where they belong…who they belong to.

She was given to us and our family by God, snatched away and sold by Letty to a desperate, infertile couple that stopped at nothing to get “their baby.” They went as far as to take advantage of a young and vulnerable girl, knowing that it was not the fact she didn’t want her child, it was the fact that she was terrified to tell her family, like most teenage girls are. She couldn’t even bear to tell me, her sister, the closest person to her. She didn’t know how, so fragile, so emotional, so alone during her pregnancy.

The weight of the secret she carried and the distress she was under = extreme duress = a fast, immoral adoption with a million red flags attached.

Had this been my sister’s choice, our family could do nothing but accept it. Even if we hated it, we would have had to respect her decision.

But when the answer to every question is “LETTY”, you would have to be taking crazy pills to not see that SHE was clearly the one in the driver’s seat of this adoption.

This was ALL Letty’s doing. Her “help”, that no one asked her for has ruined our lives.

It has forever broken my sister, ruined the chance of my niece being with her real and natural mother which I’m sure has broken her little heart as well, it has torn me apart and has changed me and my life completely, it has ended two marriages because of the enormous strain of going through a crisis of such magnitude, it has broken the hearts of my children who long for their first cousin, it has ripped our family apart. Letty has disrupted God’s plan for Julia Grace to be given to Serena.

All so Letty’s friend’s could play house. I have nothing against adoptions done the right way. I believe that adoption is for children without homes, not homes without children. Letty did such a sneaky and conniving thing, all the while smiling, and the couple knowing full well what type of situation this was. A young girl who didn’t know how to tell her family, who felt she had no one to turn to. Promised the world, took her baby, and left her in emotional turmoil and debt.

Thinking about my baby sister having to go through such a scary thing, and what these people did to her, is too much for me to bear.

Someday I will be able to tell my niece face to face, everything that happened, someday she will read this journal, someday she will know the truth behind her adoption. That it wasn’t meant to be. It isn’t what my sister wanted. It isn’t what any of us wanted, and we never gave up or forgot her….

I can only wonder what she looks like, what color her eyes are.

I wonder if she will ever be able to comprehend the love and emptiness we all feel without her.

I wonder what books she likes, what games she plays, and what her favorite color is.

I wonder what her voice sounds like, how sweet she must smell snuggled close…

I wonder when the sweet day will come that we will be reunited.

When will I be able to hold her, talk to her, play with her, read to her?

When is all this pain going to be over?

I wonder. I hope. I pray. Because that’s all I can do.