She is the first thing I think of when I awaken, she is the last thing I think of before I fall asleep.

Every day, I wake up with hope; every night, I go to sleep with faith.

She is our everything, and a love that strong can never be broken.

This is one of those things that keep you thinking.

It’s one of those things that goes round and round and round in your mind, because deep down, way, way, deep down, in your heart, in your soul, in your senses, in the very fibers of your very being,  YOU    KNOW    IS    WRONG.

No matter which angle you look at it from, it is just outright immoral, unethical, inhumane, and disastrous. Lives torn apart, the earth shook, sounds around you in an obscured state, you can hear things but your mind is somewhere else. You fade in and out because it just hurts so badly. You paint in color, even though you sometimes only see black.

Helpless.

Hurting.

Save the paperwork, save the explanation, save the lies. There is no justification for the insane actions of the infamous threesome; made up of the adoptive couple and our vile neighbor.

How any of them sleep at night is beyond my understanding.

I tremble in anguish, the deepest of all types of sorrow.

But deep down I also know that everything is going to be okay.

It just has to be …. it just has to be ….

” How do you survive something like that? ”

That is the first question people ask me when I tell them of the tragedy that has befallen us.

I am humble and honest with my response ….

I write, I paint, I read, I travel, I teach, I dance, I love, I take pictures, I design, I shoot, I cook, I blast music, I pray, I star-gaze …. And I beat on a heavy bag with immeasurable rage, sometimes until I can’t lift my arms.

I’m getting nods of approval and looks of admiration and compassion, that is, up until the very last thing I said. The moment those words leave my lips, people look up at me puzzled; astonished. Then, with understanding.

” It hurts worse than anything you could ever imagine, it makes you want to die, makes you determined to live, and since I can’t get tattoos every day to relieve the pain, I have to unleash all the madness, the pressure, the weight of being trapped under extreme duress, somehow. 

I slugggg on the heavy bag with all my sadness, all my emptiness, all my fears, all my hate, all my heart, all my love …. I just punch and punch and punch. It is a manic-type of therapy.

On this particular occasion, my cousin and I were in the garage, and we just started hitting the bag together.

He hit it twice to me, I hit it twice to him, and back and forth we went.

My fists were wrapped, and it was only about fifteen minutes that we were slamming the bag around, but I did end up with two new scars on my right hand as a result of it. This photo was taken immediately after I unwrapped my hand, and it got worse as the days went on. My knuckles bruised and it took weeks to heal.

Funny how it didn’t hurt at all, it actually felt exhilarating to get some of ” it ” out.

This is a rare insider’s point-of-view into how heartbreak manifests.

It breaks open, bleeds, and leaves a scar so that even when you want to forget it, you can’t ….

* Photo Credit : Antonio V. *   ~   * Slugggfest Credit : Bryan S. *

The incredible energy of an auntie’s love ….

Unbreakable, unstoppable, everlasting, ever-so-magical ….

I just want to hold her.

All day today I have had to stop myself from crying.

Only now can I cry …. alone …. in the dark.

I quickly escape to break down, release, and regroup.

I choose to do all my hurting all by myself.

I don’t want anyone to see how bad I really feel, weeping from sorrow and despair.

I feel like I’m suffocating from a broken heart.

I wipe my eyes literally until they’re sore. I cry until my eyes are swollen. I clean myself up, breathe in and out, smile, and rejoin the rotation of the world.

You would never know by looking at me that I’m dying inside. Other than this, I am whole, beyond blessed, wonderfully loved, and completely adored.

But with this, God is our only hope.

No one can comfort us, no one can make it better, no one can fill the emptiness, nothing can take the ache away, nothing can take the anger, nothing can fix this ….. Nothing but God, nothing but our baby girl. But it’s all just for now.

One day this will all be over.

One day it won’t hurt any more.

I want this to be done.

I want to wake up in the morning and have it all be a bad nightmare.

It hurts, so badly that there isn’t a word to describe it.

Take it away, make it stop, the quiet is so loud, the loud is deafening.

And those are the only words I can get out today ….

My Dearest Baby Gracie ….

Something very special remains here just for you ….

You have a mommy waiting and a family waiting too ….

Our eyes are just alike, our blood runs through your veins ….

It’s no wonder that your absence is the source of all our pain ….

There’s a moment that you realize, you need to be with whom that you belong ….

Hearts are bound by love, and your heart will never lead you wrong.

Just a quickie little love note to tell you that we’re here ….

Those that seem the farthest are really the ones most near ….

Love For Always ….

~ Auntie ❤

I began this piece of writing on January 6th of this year, 2016.

Immediately following dinner on the 18th floor and the firework finale at midnight on New Year’s Eve, my mind instantly switched gears back to a part of me that is missing.

I was thinking about what a big year this is.

She’s finally 12.

Have twelve years really gone by?

Twelve years.

Twelve long years.

It feels like I have heard the clock ticking in the back of my mind. Each second going by …. tick …. tick …. tick ….

Can you imagine how maddening that is?

A richly fulfilled life with an over abundance of love, laughs, and satisfaction; the only darkness in the space of my being is the sadness that swallows me up at the thought of my niece’s absence and my family that is lost without her.

Hurting every day, trying to make the most of each day as we wait for a miracle.

This is the constant eclipse that covers the brilliance of the sun.

I stay busy. I try not to have a moment free because then that means I have time to think.

Time to hurt, time to cry.

Thank goodness my many talents keep me in demand, and people practically have to take a number to spend time with me.

Being lost in thought, time turns upside down.

An hour can feel like a minute, and a day can feel like a week.

One moment you see the flowers in bloom, the next you look up and you realize the leaves are rich with brilliant colors and the seasons have changed several times over.

This year my niece turns twelve and it has been both dreamed of and dreaded since that joke of a family court experience way back when.

This year she will learn the truth of her adoption and the circumstances under which it came about. 

This year she will learn that she has been lied to by the people who have happily deceived her and called themselves her ” parents.”

This year the charade is going to be over.

This year, “mom” and “dad” are going to have a lot of explaining to do.

This year, there will be light shed upon the darkness….

I’LL LOVE YOU FOREVER,   I’LL LIKE YOU FOR ALWAYS,  

AS LONG AS I’M LIVING,   MY BABY YOU’LL BE ….

❤  ❤  ❤  ❤  ❤  ❤  ❤  ❤  ❤  ❤  ❤  ❤  ❤  ❤ 

I have gotten lost in the mix of all this hurt and I have had to slowly rediscover myself along the way.

Someone recently wrote this to me, and it took my breath away.

I felt so special, lovely, beautiful, wonderful, happy, excited, and so very blessed.

For just a brief moment, everything was okay ……..

How strong and unbreakable love, and like, really are ….. ❤